Hi.

I'm going to start writing again.





oh, how I've missed it.

Technology.

Typing on a computer is so different than writing in a book, or on a piece of paper.
The emotions just aren't captured.
These words you read, you don't know how I looked when I wrote them (or rather, when I typed them).
It's just computerized alphabets.

But when you actually write something, you can sort of sense how the writer felt when pouring a little part of their heart out.
Are there tear stains on the paper?
Is the ink smudged?
Is the writing lazy?
All these things, all these factors contribute to how one will digest and interpret the words read.

On the computer, though. It's just different.
Monotonous. You hear the click click clicking of the keyboard.
"I could type faster than this". "No, no, no. this isn't right. I'll just delete this". Nobody will ever find out how many times you rewrote a sentence on the computer.
You don't even think as much anymore.
You just write.
And write.
And write.

Like right now.
I'm not thinking of anything. I'm not thinking of words to say. I'm just typing.
Just typing, reading the words in my mind as they appear on the screen.
Without emotion. Without meaning.




What?

Hi.

Hello.

AH.
KW.
And now MH.

...not in that order, though.

No.

So many emotions.
Just. So. Many.

I lost a very dear friend a few days ago.
It seems like forever ago, now. The pain is still there, though.
48 hours after his death, I went from good to bad, to worse, to just plain psychotic.
I let my friends in on some of the things that were going through my mind, but nobody knows the extent of my emotions. I was spiraling out of control. How does one even do that in a day or two?
I did things I'm not proud of in that short short time. 
72 hours passed. I felt better. And then I felt worse again.
76 hours passed. I regained composure. Can't have people think I'm a moody bitch all the time.

-

I woke up without crying. It felt good. I felt well. I thought of him. I thought of what his hugs felt like. What his warm embrace did to me. How his lips tasted. 
I didn't appreciate it then. I didn't know then. Had I known, I don't know how different things would have been, but I do know that I wouldn't have pushed him away so harshly.

-

I miss you, bud.
I love you.
Forever and always.
KW.